When you just can't stomach the BS anymore.

Assisted Loving

Sports Illustrated Classic was on in the day room. Frank sat down to watch some hockey highlights, but all they showed was a clip of Wayne Gretzky saying, “You miss 100% of the shots you never take.”

“Damn jock wisdom, Frank shouted to no one, what’s wrong with taking only 30% of the shots that come my way? I mean, come on, baseball players don’t have to, and they make out alright. Hell, ARod hardly ever takes a swing anymore and he still gets the love. Everyday around here is loaded with missed shots. Just yesterday I was standing in the cafeteria line when I noticed a woman in front of me with the most beautiful hair. It looked like the silver lining of a fluffy cloud. I dropped my tray and it made a loud clanging sound on the floor. She turned to see what was causing the commotion and her eyes….well I couldn’t really focus on her eyes because of these damn trifocals I wear, but when she smiled, her whole face lit up. I smiled right back at her and thought how glad I was that I remembered to put in my teeth. There was an open seat at her table and I was going to sit down, but I lost my nerve when I looked down and saw I only had a roll and four pudding cups on my tray. I just went back to my room.

Later, after lunch and a nap, I heard music coming from the day room. Inglebert Humperdinck and his damn broken hearted crooning every day I wake up then I start to break up lonely is a man without….balls! Why does the staff think we like listening to that shit? I decided to leave Humperdinck to cry his heart out for the rest of those old farts and headed outside to stretch my legs. There she was sitting on a bench next to the birdbath. I was a little gassy from too much veggie platter somebody brought in for Sally Palmer’s 90th birthday.  I knew I shouldn’t have crashed her party, but I was hungry and besides, who can resist broccoli and ranch dressing?

I took the long way around the courtyard so I could let it fly before I got to the birdbath. She spotted me and we exchanged smiles. I passed the gazing ball and was about to make my approach when a nurse stepped into the courtyard and called out, “Hey everybody don’t forget it’s flu shot Tuesday.” Suddenly it was like an electric scooter derby, those fakers were zooming at me from every direction. I stood still until everyone was gone. Everyone except Millie Freemont, whose battery had died leaving her stranded in the grass trying to get someone’s attention by waving a Depends in the air.

I walked slowly to my room, changed my underwear and sat on the edge of my bed. Who knows how many more shots I have left – maybe tomorrow I’ll man up, take that silver haired gal a pudding cup and see where it leads. I hope I don’t get the flu, in all the excitement I missed out on that damn flu shot.”

What's it gonna be? The chicken or the chicken?

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