rubberchickendinner

When you just can't stomach the BS anymore.

paRANTing

Don’t like your kid’s music, friends, clothes, piercings, attitude, sleep schedule, tattoos and general childish behavior? Feel like you’re texting to a brick wall? Tired of being eaten out of house & mini-van? What the hell did you expect?

When you’re at your wit’s end, all you need to remember is that parenting headaches can be prevented with baby aspirin. Yeah, that’s right. A baby aspirin held tightly between the knees could have prevented you from getting pregnant in the first place.

Look on the bright side, one day your kids will have to deal with fact that you spent all of your disposable income buying stuff on Craig’s List instead of saving for retirement. Don’t even try it; you can only blame Uncle Fuzzy’s bad investment advice for so long.

So not only will your kids get shafted when you bite the big one, they’ll have to let you live in their basement for who knows how long. Before that happens, here are five tips you should write down. No really, grab your iPhone, iPad, netbook, laptop, Blackberry or park your ass in front of your PC and compose an email to yourself with these tips.

Do it because you won’t remember them by the time all of your stuff has been given to charity and your kid moves you into your new “apartment” with the open concept laundry/exercise/storage living area plus semi-private bath.

  • Leave your teeth in a glass in their refrigerator and then wonder from room to room asking, “Has anyone seen my teeth?”
  • Dump all of your prescription drugs on their kitchen table and arrange them to look like body parts. Then tell your kids you lost the pill organizer they gave you for Christmas and that you’re just gonna take a piece of each body part every day until they’re all gone.
  • Write your doctor’s appointments on their living room wall with a Sharpie, then every night just about the time your son/daughter sits down to watch something the DVR’d, start yelling, “Tomorrow’s Thursday, remember I need you to drive me to my doctor’s appointment,” and repeat it every fifteen minutes until they finally run out of the room screaming tomorrow is Saturday!
  • Have a friend wait with you outside the senior center. When your son/daughter comes to pick you up, ask if they can take your new friend home since it’s only 45 minutes away      from where you live. When you get there, say you need to go into your friend’s house for just a minute to grab something and when your kid asks “What’s so important that you have to do it now,” that’s when you ask your friend, “Is it a gerbil or a hamster?”
  • You need some music that will really annoy them. Who should it be? Okay, let’s think about this for a minute. Metallica is easy listening for your kid, so that won’t do. Start with Van Halen. Yeah, just blast “Jump” day and night. After that just work through the long list of rock bands that gave up their awesomeness to sell cars or car insurance or pain relievers or financial services. You’ll be dead before you get through all of those.

Now that you’ve keyed these tips into your device of choice, smack yourself in the head and say, “Damn it, I could have just copied and pasted that shit.” Fill bowl with gummy bears. Add alcohol of your choice. Refrigerate for one hour. Gummy bears will absorb alcohol. Remove & eat gummy bears & call it a day. Laugh, it will all be over soon enough!

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This entry was posted on February 29, 2012 by in The Deep End, The Rant and tagged , , , , , , , .
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